Diary of a SAP (Substance Abuse Policeman) Humor 544 words
Howard R Music

5 Mar

Dear Diary,
I can't believe it. After two-years of applications and paperwork, and months of extra training, I'm finally a Substance Abuse Policeman, a SAP, an elite force of drug agents. Tomorrow I go on my first raid.

6 Mar

Dear Diary,
Got off to a bad start. The Captain told us to wear our ski masks just before the raid. I pulled it down and the eye-holes were in the back. I tripped over the drug dog. He bit me on the ass. My gun went off and shot the point man in the back of the leg. The noise alerted the suspects and they got away. I'm on report. The stitches will come out in a few days.

14 Mar

Dear Diary,
Felt good to get back in the field. We busted a druggie on the highway. He kept screaming something about a warrant. I hate it when people try to squirm out on technicalities. Gave us permission to search his car after Johnson twisted his arm up behind his back. Had about 12-ounces of good weed in the trunk. Funny thing, he was only charged with possessing 2-ounces. Must be rats in the evidence locker.

19 Mar

Dear Diary,
I'm back on report. My informant tipped me off to where a bunch of needle freaks were meeting. We raided the place in force. Found the Golden Years Retreat knitting club inside. Pace makers blew out left and right. Those adult diapers don't work as well as they say, either. One old biddy whacked me with a cane. Oh well, the broken nose makes me look tough.

23 Mar

Dear Diary,
It was one of those days. We hit a reported drug house. I came in the back and saw a woman in the kitchen. You can't believe how much a broom looks like a rifle. Anyway, when the shooting stopped the Captain was really pissed. Dead suspects always generate a lot of paperwork. And can you believe it? We didn't find any dope, and had to look around for more than an hour before we turned up an old single shot .22 rifle in the attic. The bolt was missing, but it's important to secure all weapons at a crime scene, because shooting an unarmed suspect 19 times might start an investigation. I felt really bad, but Johnson told me not to worry it happens to us all, and I'll get better with practice. What a guy.

9 Apr

Dear Diary,
Been a real boring couple of weeks. The team has been on surveillance duty watching a gang. May pay off, though. Tomorrow a drug deal is scheduled. Could be the biggest day of my life.

10 Apr

Dear Diary,
Today was the worst day of my life. We jumped the gang in the middle of a buy. One of them flashed a badge and yelled, "We're DEA!" The Captain hollered back, "So what? We're SAPs!" I guess they didn't believe him because they shot back at us. The doctor said I'll have to use the Times New Romancolostomy bag for six-months. And could walk again after additional surgery. This is terrible. I may never be a SAP again.

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